kinda want to see

KINDA-WANT-TO-SEE

I kinda want to see it…
the moment he realizes I’m not what he thought I was.
The second after it hits him that he had me all wrong.

I want to bear witness to the moment he decides I’m not worth it.
The way recognition of mistake will flash within his eyes.
He will remember all the sunrise smiles he wasted on my horizon.
All the nights he stood as a brave brilliant moon in my black sky
when I had no stars to offer.

He will want his love back but when he asks I know I won’t be able to return it because I’ve got a quicksand heart that empties it’s swallow inside my mariana trench soul.
And I’m too afraid of my deep places to be courageous enough to go in after him.

He will tell me that the cracks in my smile are too vast, the edges too sharp,
he’s fed up with hurting himself just to be near me.
He will say that he’s ready to heal his bloodied bruised knuckles,
that he’s been unable to recover when he’s constantly beating at the walls I’ve built.
The only dents he makes while attempting are his own.

He will beg me to let go, to not turn him into the man that will be too hardened by his past relationship to love the next one the way she deserves.
He will say that he is sorry, he is neither strong nor willing enough to carry the weight of what it means to be with me.
And he will hold out his arms, covered in cuts, scratches and scars only he and I can see, not to remind me of what a piece of work I am to hold onto, but to show me that I am a piece of work he was willing to hold onto.

And I will fold into them, press my wet cheek to chest while I try to convince
myself I saw this coming, I knew it all along, that he’d out grow his feelings for me.
I kinda want to see it, all of it, to prepare myself when it comes.
To remember not to get too comfortable when he reaches for me in the middle of the night, or when he whispers in my ear that he loves me.
I want to convince myself that his touches and words are lies he doesn’t realize he’s telling.

Sometimes, he catches me searching for those moments within his eyes and he tells me to stop. Stop looking for something that isn’t there and I wonder if he’s right. I wonder if my doubt is the only thing that will build a fire against me in his eyes, but I don’t know how to stop.

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39 thoughts on “kinda want to see

  1. There is so much pain in this,Talicha. Too many of us have experienced this sort of relationship, have let ourselves be hurt. For myself, I think it’s because I take too much responsibility for how other people feel..

    1. Thank you for reading Victoria. I think sometimes I do the exact same thing with other peoples feelings. I guess we just have to let go and let them show us how they feel and accept what they have to offer. Thanks again for your time 🙂

  2. loved this, Talicha. I so identify with the wall heart and how everyone who tried to love me gave up their attempt to dig into the prison walls that surround my heart..like at the end the hope that maybe it is your own doubt and this time he will stay and get through to the love. Love this line: ‘And I’m too afraid of my deep places to be courageous enough to go in after him’

  3. O, a rocking good, seeking, helluva write here…with some wonderful phrases, none better than “mariana trench soul” love this piece! ~jackie~

  4. Emotions can be so complex…sometimes they seem not worth having..always be careful what one wishes for as the complexity seems much better than the simplicity…at least to me…in the journey I step….in general that IS…

  5. Talicha, what a tour de force and so poignant. I think we all, at some point in some relationship feel we are too happy for it to be real and are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. My favorit image was,”He will remember all the sunrise smiles he wasted on my horizon.
    All the nights he stood as a brave brilliant moon in my black sky
    when I had no stars to offer.”
    It mistressful (masterful didn’t seem appropriate). Kudos. Love the long line, my editor hates it when I do it but I love seeing it.>KB

  6. Talicha, this is so eloquent:
    “because I’ve got a quicksand heart that empties it’s swallow inside my mariana trench soul.
    And I’m too afraid of my deep places to be courageous enough to go in after him.”

  7. you def capture the uncomfortableness of relationships…the fear they might end. or be as bad as our last…and we look for it and when we do we often lose focus and get what we are looking for you know…..an honest feeling in this….

    1. Thank you Brian! We do have to be careful what we ask for. Even the strongest partner may be inclined to give in and give us what we’ve been looking for if we aren’t careful. Thanks for reading 🙂

    1. Thank you. When one gets in that mind set its hard to convince them otherwise. I know that’s how I am sometimes which is where this poem stemmed from. Thank you for reading!

  8. You express such raw emotion here…what a trick we play, to convince ourselves that we are somehow unworthy of the struggle, unworthy of the love itself, and in turn, we sabotage our relationships merely to prove the point. We create the hurt that we fear is coming…but what if we don’t? What if we just let it be? What if we stop looking for ways in which others won’t love us– for indeed, those THINGS about us that we fear others won’t love are really just THINGS about ourselves that we don’t love…What if we just loved ourselves a little bit more? ~J

    1. Excellent thought. It is definitely things about ourselves we are unsure about or dislike that we immediately assume will be the reason someone else won’t love us. Most of the time it’s the insecurity about said things that turn others off instead of the actual quality we have. Very interesting to think about. Thank you for your awesome comment 🙂

      1. I think we all have our will at some point. Hopefully we’ll be lucky enough to be with someone tolerant enough to be there until we work through it 🙂

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