Freedom: nothing left to lose

Sometimes there are so many things that I want to do that I become overwhelmed and choose to do nothing. Can I really blame life or circumstance for where I am now? Not without being in the wrong. Wasted potential. That’s kinda my scarlet letter these days. I’m not saying that I am the best at what I do, but I’m good a different things that not everyone can do. I am poet, aspiring novelist, music composer, videographer…yet I work in a bank. Spend more money than I make. Play the character of a happy person. Why? I was driving to work today, thinking about my life and I realize it’s fear that keeps me in the monotonous routine of being boxed into societies idea of success. I placed this as my facebook status: “I’m too afraid of not dying tomorrow to live the life I really want today. The risk is greater than I am brave.” I read in a book that “freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose” and I think until I am ready to embrace my freedom in its entirety I will not be brave enough to live the way I dream. It’s not my dream to have a house with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a dog, fancy car in the drive way, posh position at a multi-million dollar corporation, a husband who dotes on me…it’s a pretty picture but I didn’t take it. I want to travel, read my poetry at random venues, make music for filmmakers who are just starting out and still have their own vision, write novels for young adults so that reading doesn’t get left behind. I want to buy a beat up pick up truck and drive across the united states meeting new people, seeing new places, working part time server positions to make enough money to get me to the next state. I don’t want to have the obvious success in life, I don’t want first glance happiness, that’s too cookie cutter for me. Yet here I am doing just what society has mapped out for me. What will it take for me to find my freedom?

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